FUNNY NEWS
- ● Welp, Looks Like That One Family's Just Gonna Leave That 12-Foot Skeleton Up All Winter, Huh
BRANSON, MO — According to sources, the Carter family, who turned heads this past Halloween with a giant 12-foot skeleton on their lawn, still hasn't taken the thing down and doesn't seem to have any plans... Read more »
Published: December 5, 2023 - 6:42 pm - ● Jews Advised To Protect Themselves From Violence By Not Being Jewish
U.S. — In response to increasing displays of antisemitism across the country and around the world, authorities have advised Jewish people to protect themselves from violent attacks by no longer being Jewish.... Read more »Published: December 5, 2023 - 6:15 pm - ● Archaeologists Celebrate After Uncovering Ancient Certificate Congratulating Them For Finding All The Stuff
PALMYRA, SYRIA—In what turned out to be the final discovery within their field of study, the world’s archaeologists celebrated Tuesday after one of them used a brush to dust off a stone fragment, revealing an ancient... Read more »Published: December 5, 2023 - 5:15 pm
- ● Live In The House Where You Probably Lost Your Virginity!
Just about everybody hooked up at the high school parties Ron Haase threw at his folks’ place. Now they’re packing up and moving to a retirement community in Charlotte. So why not make love to your... Read more » - ● The Onion’s Final Interview With Henry Kissinger Before He Died
Henry Kissinger: “Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a human skull? Iced tea out of a human skull?”Read more...... Read more » - ● Every Word Besides ‘Children’ Used To Describe Palestinians Under 18
The media has been criticized for repeatedly failing to mention children killed in Israeli airstrikes on Gaza. The Onion examines every word used besides “children” to describe Palestinians under 18.Read more...... Read more » - ● Company Wellness Seminar Teaches Mindful Acceptance Of Pay Cuts
NEW YORK—As part of its human resources department’s office-wide mental health initiative, local company Bergamo and Associates reportedly offered its employees a wellness seminar Tuesday that taught them how to practice mindful acceptance of their upcoming... Read more » - ● Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
WASHINGTON—Noting that this was exactly the boost the president needed going into the 2024 election, pollsters confirmed Tuesday that Joe Biden’s approval rating had skyrocketed after he announced he would take the nation to the circus.... Read more » - ● Horse Without Health Insurance Unable To Afford Being Shot In The Head
LOUISVILLE, KY—Facing a financial dilemma after breaking his leg, a local horse who didn’t have health insurance was reportedly unable to afford being shot in the head, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Unfortunately, I don’t have the money... Read more » - ● Public Educators Warn Low Literacy Rates May Prevent Kids From Reading About Gay Sex
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Recent reports shining a harsh light on illiteracy among public school students have sparked concern among public educators. Public school teachers and their unions are warning that high illiteracy rates may prevent kids... Read more »Published: December 5, 2023 - 1:23 am - ● Sunset Couldn't Possibly Get Any More Majestic - OH MY GOSH IT'S MORE MAJESTIC OH MAN IT GOT EVEN BETTER
U.S. — A beautiful visual delight was witnessed today as the sun set over the horizon, dazzling onlookers. What began as a simple setting of the sun to mark the end of another day soon set... Read more »Published: December 5, 2023 - 12:12 am - 9 Best Times To Light Up A Cigar
Studies have shown that there is never a "bad" time to fire up a cigar, but there are some instances when it's just more enjoyable or impactful than others.... Read more »Published: December 4, 2023 - 11:53 pm - Ignorant Peasant Doesn't Know How To Operate Tesla Door
SOLVANG, CA — A local uncultured peasant was unable to make it to work Monday because his Uber driver arrived in a brand-new Tesla Model 3 and he couldn't figure out how to open the door.... Read more »Published: December 4, 2023 - 10:30 pm - Bill Cosby Joins Hamas So Feminists Will Stop Condemning Him For Rape
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Former comedy legend and prolific rapist Bill Cosby announced outside his home this week that he has officially joined the terrorist group Hamas in an apparent attempt to convince progressive feminists to stop... Read more »Published: December 4, 2023 - 9:30 pm - COP28 Attendees Take Turns Posing With Duck From Dawn Commercial
DUBAI—Appearing excited and starstruck to meet a great icon of the environmental movement, attendees at this year’s COP28 climate conference took turns Monday posing with the duck from the Dawn commercial. “Oh my God, seeing you... Read more » - Clarence Thomas Swallows Whole Bottle Of OxyContin During Recess In Attempt To Get In On Purdue Settlement
WASHINGTON—Moments after calling for a brief adjournment to arguments appealing the pharmaceutical giant’s bankruptcy deal, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the recess swallowing an entire bottle of OxyContin in an effort to get in... Read more » - Mom Asks If You Still Friends With That One Guy Who Committed Suicide
POCATELLO, ID—Inquiring about one of your acquaintances who she said she hadn’t seen in a while, your mom asked Monday if you were still friends with that one guy, Daniel Corimer, who committed suicide a decade... Read more » 
- Conservatives Explain Why Football Is Too Woke
Although football was previously considered a manly, patriotic sport, the modern NFL has done nothing but capitulate to the far-left mob. The Onion asked conservatives to explain why the sport is too woke, and this is... Read more »
- ● Children scream in horror as Grinch bursts into home and destroys tree - but all is not as it seems
Children were left in tears after the Grinch burst into their home and destroyed their Christmas tree - but all was not as it seemed as the mystery assailant was someone they know... Read more »Published: December 5, 2023 - 5:27 pm
- ● Poilievre asks pretty please if he can take credit for cutting 600 CBC jobs
OTTAWA – In the wake of news that CBC/Radio-Canada will lay off 600 employees nationwide, Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre has inquired if he can publicly announce that it was his idea and his doing. “Come on,... Read more »
Published: December 5, 2023 - 4:26 pm - ● Grandparents' Wetherspoons trip goes viral after strangers flood their table with drinks
A grandma and grandad's trip to Wetherspoons has gone viral after their table was flooded with drinks strangers had bought for them - all because of their grandson's cheeky post... Read more » - ● Optical illusion shows whether you like to be punctual or love freedom - what do you see?
This optical illusion can actually tell you something about yourself, give it a try to find out if you're a freedom lover or if punctuality is your top priority... Read more » - ● Dating slang that will make you feel old as 'rizz' is announced as the word of the year
Rizz has officially been named the word of the year by Oxford University Press - but what does it mean, and can you work out the meaning of other modern dating slang?... Read more » - ● Woman asks colleague to check her hair for nits and leaves people baffled
Headlice are not only itchy and annoying, but they can be quite tricky to get rid of - but some were mortified when a woman wanted to ask her colleague to check if she had nits... Read more » - ● 'My fiancé is missing baby's birth to holiday with his mum - he's a manchild'
A mum-to-be has been left heartbroken when fiancé chooses festive family trip without her when their first baby is due to be born, and the internet goes wild... Read more » Books by Jennifer Oliver O'Connell:
The Making of an American Hip-Hip Tycoon: The Influence of Hip-Hop on Corporate Culture & The Journey of an Urban Entrepreneur
18% Off$23.99$19.49 (as of December 1, 2023 14:48 GMT -06:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)- ● 'My girlfriend is pregnant but we've never had sex - she wouldn't cheat on me'
A man has taken to social media to seek advice after discovering his girlfriend is pregnant - despite her claiming to still be a virgin. But users are more concerned about her overall health... Read more » - ● 'Sister is giving her baby the same name as my daughter, she's so unimaginative'
A woman has 'blown up' at her 19-year-old sister who revealed she wants to give her baby the same name as her daughter - despite knowing it could cause confusion in the family... Read more » - ● Sweet moment little boy announces the 'classic role' he has in school nativity - it's quite unusual
A schoolboy bagged himself a 'classic role' in his school nativity play, but when his mum was thinking about what he could be when he kept her guessing, his actual role was the last thing on... Read more » - ● Woman discovers heartbreaking hidden message behind wallpaper during renovation
A woman found a hidden message written underneath her wallpaper while redecorating her new home. She refuses to paint over it as it's a 'part of the house' now... Read more » - ● Expert warns against catastrophic defrosting hack - but shares 5p potato trick
Windscreen defrosting is annoying, but experts have warned not to use a viral technique as it can 'be detrimental' to the vehicle, even causing windscreen cracks and chips... Read more » - ● 'I want full control of my wife's £200,000 inheritance, she doesn't deserve it'
A husband has caused controversy after saying he wants access to his wife's hefty inheritance and to closely monitor and control what she spends it on because she's 'irresponsible'... Read more » - ● 'I'm a 58-year-old virgin living in the wilderness - 15 men have begged to marry me'
Duni made a vow of celibacy 35 years ago and lives in the wilderness alone to stay true to her oath. Despite 15 proposals of marriage, she enjoys her life as a 'Burrnesha'... Read more » - ● Christmas-themed Coke can on sale for more than £274,000 - with one key element missing
The Christmas-themed Coca-Cola can has been listed on eBay for a whopping £274,000 as a 'completely original' collectors' item but there's one very noticeable thing missing... Read more » - ● Mum kicks herself as Elf on the Shelf 'snow' prank seriously backfires
The mum thought she had come up with a genius prank during the Christmas period to make her child laugh but instead she was left with a big mess and desperately asking for cleaning advice... Read more » - ● School threatens girl, 12, with detention because she doesn't fit into her trousers
A mum has been left fuming after her daughter was threatened with detention at school for her 'ankle grazer' trousers - which she says are the best ones she can find... Read more » - ● Christmas classic Fairytale of New York by The Pogue's almost didn't happen
The song 'Fairytale of New York' is a Christmas classic that people across the UK adore - but the plucky tune almost didn't exist, and Shane MacGowan called it 'sloppy'... Read more » - ● Immunologist reveals one food swap she makes to have an illness-free winter
Everyone wants to avoid illnesses during the cold months and with this expert-approved tip, you can find yourself healthy all winter just by making one easy swap... Read more » - ● 'I charge £100 per person for Christmas dinner - the kids binge on food so it's only fair'
Being charged for Christmas festivities by a family member can feel a little mean-spirited - but one woman has justified why her mum does it, and says she's 'happy' to pay... Read more »
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