FUNNY NEWS
- ● Explosive Report Reveals Southern Baptists Have Been Drinking This Whole Time
NASHVILLE, TN—A bombshell report emerged this week from the Southern Baptist Convention: the denomination famous for abstinence and definitely nothing else has been harboring a secret alcohol cabinet for decades. The post Explosive Report Reveals Southern... Read more »
Published: May 23, 2022 - 11:37 pm - ● Science Confirms Sounds Of Dad’s Bodily Functions Increase By 30 Decibels Every Year Of Life
WICHITA, KS—Researchers have confirmed that a dad's bodily functions will become exactly thirty decibels noisier with each passing year, ad infinitum. The post Science Confirms Sounds Of Dad’s Bodily Functions Increase By 30 Decibels Every Year... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 9:53 pm - ● Progressive Christian Hopes God Has His Preferred Pronouns By His Name In Lamb's Book Of Life
ELIZABETHTOWN, NY—A local progressive Christian confessed Monday that he was nervous about dying because he wasn't sure if St. Peter would call him by his preferred pronouns when his name is read at the final judgment. The young fae, Shiloh... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 9:44 pm - ● Think You Have Monkeypox? Watch For These Ten Strange Symptoms
Brought to you by: The post Think You Have Monkeypox? Watch For These Ten Strange Symptoms appeared first on The Babylon Bee.... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 8:09 pm - ● 'It's Time To Talk About The Stolen Election,' Says Wild-Eyed Bill Maher Surrounded By Crates Of Ammo And Emergency Food
LOS ANGELES, CA—In a shocking monologue this past weekend, comedian and political commentator Bill Maher said it's time to finally start talking about whether or not the 2020 election was rigged. The post 'It's Time To Talk About... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 7:32 pm - ● First Cases Of Monkeypox Confirmed In U.S.
U.S. Officials have confirmed the country’s first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 6:23 pm
- ● Miracle: Pfizer Announces They Just So Happened To Finish Monkeypox Vaccine Yesterday
NEW YORK, NY—After the spectre of another pandemic was raised by shocking reports of a new monkeypox strain, Pfizer announced they coincidentally finished their monkeypox vaccine yesterday. The post Miracle: Pfizer Announces They Just So Happened To Finish Monkeypox... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 6:08 pm - ● Church Of Satan Declares Pelosi Still Allowed To Receive Satanic Eucharist
POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—After being denied holy communion by San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone, the Church of Satan graciously reached out to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to remind her she is still eligible to partake of the Satanic... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 5:32 pm - ● Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person
WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like... Read more » - ● Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A.
Let’s face it, you’re not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles.Read more...... Read more » - ● New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race
SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. “Here at Ultraa, we are very serious... Read more » - ● Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging
Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What... Read more » - ● Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them
CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of... Read more » - ● Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter
BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. “I know the... Read more » - ● Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents
SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle’s residents. “Alright Seattle, pay attention,... Read more » - We Can Guess What Denomination You Are By How You Pray
Depending on who you ask there are many ways to say grace before a meal. You show us how you pray when gathered with others and we'll tell you what that says about your theology. The post... Read more »Published: May 22, 2022 - 5:41 pm - Does Your Wife Secretly Have A Crush On Chip Gaines? Signs To Watch Out For
Is your wife a fan of HGTV's hit show Fixer Upper? Does she love watching Chip and Joanna Gaines tackle their next home renovation? Well, maybe she has a healthy enthusiasm for taking the worst house... Read more »Published: May 21, 2022 - 10:08 pm - Besties! AOC And New Fiancé Go On Double Date With Ilhan Omar And Her Brother
NEW YORK, NY—On Friday evening, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her new fiance finally went on the double date they had been trying to coordinate with Ilhan Omar and her brother for weeks. The post Besties! AOC And New... Read more »Published: May 21, 2022 - 10:07 pm - U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New ContractsU.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the... Read more »
- ● Bagged milk distributor begins attaching “bag titty”
QUEBEC – After receiving thousands of complaints related to pouring issues, bagged milk distributor Saputo has begun attaching a nipple to milk bags for increased dispensing control. The dairy giant has stepped up to save Canadians... Read more »
Published: May 23, 2022 - 7:00 pm - ● 'My twin sister and I look nothing alike - people never believe we're related'
Justine and Vez are twin sisters, although they looked very similar when they were younger the pair now have completely different lives and style - as TikTok users are shocked... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 5:32 pm
- ● Woman reveals 'red flag' that makes singles swipe left on dating apps
A woman has taken to Reddit to share the 'red flag' singles should look out for when navigating their way through the world of online dating after being 'dogfished' countless times... Read more » - ● 'I booked the same wedding venue as my sister - I know I'm being petty'
A recently engaged woman was aghast when her sister announced her engagement right after her own. Things got more heated when she discovered she'd booked her dream wedding venue... Read more » - ● Woman's fake tan looks like 'tiger bread' but she prefers it to natural skin
Lily Scannell loves the bronzed look and regularly applies fake tan to her skin, but she's often left with blotchy patches and is told she looks like 'tiger bread' - but she doesn't care... Read more » - ● Confusing optical illusion of a man's jumper changing colour leaves people baffled
A talented dancer and video editor has shared a clip that shows different versions of himself dancing along while wearing various hoodies, with the colours shifting as the music progresses... Read more » - ● New immigrant assimilates into Canadian culture by moving to the US
TORONTO – Karim Dabi, a recent immigrant to Canada, became an inspiration to the local new immigrant community by achieving the Canadian dream of landing a role at a tech startup in Austin,Texas Dabi, who moved... Read more »Published: May 23, 2022 - 2:29 pm - ● 'My wife and mother-in-law have given our baby a different name - I want a divorce'
A man had no clue as to why his daughter was experiencing difficulties recognising her name - until he walked in on his wife and mother-in-law calling her by another name... Read more » - ● Woman shows off extensive inking in graduation snap - including tattooed eyes
DeeDee Villegas, from Cebu, Philippines, has hundreds of cultural tattoos across her face and body including black eyeballs. But, she's fighting against 'tattoo discrimination'... Read more » - ● Tattoo artist adds dead dog's cremation ashes into grieving owner's ink
Tattoo artist Kat Dukes, from California, has been adding dog's ashes into her grieving customer's tattoos after trying it out on herself with her late dad's cremation ashes... Read more » - ● Woman's sassy response to catcaller praised as people say they'll try it next time
Rebekah Lindsay shared a clip of herself telling a catcaller that she thought he was begging for money after a group of men started talking to her while she was walking down a street in New... Read more » - ● Man divides opinions with 'Dog Zapper 2000' to stop barking pet next door
Jon DeMaria, from San Diego, US, has caused controversy online for creating a 'Dog Zapper 2000' which he honks every time the neighbour's pup barks - some call him a 'genius' and others say he's 'punishing'... Read more » - ● Woman in stitches after finding face of wizard Gandalf hidden in her floorboards
Isobel Haldane was left laughing after she discovered the face of Gandalf, the wizard from Lord of the Rings, hiding in the wooden floorboards of her holiday let... Read more » - ● Tetley's boss claims we're all making tea wrong and reveals secret to perfect brew
Tetley boss Sebastian Michaelis has shared his expert advice on making a cup of tea that's fit for the Queen and perfect for an upcoming Platinum Jubilee party... Read more » - ● Experts disprove one year is equivalent to seven dog years - it's much longer
A research team from the University of California San Diego’s School of Medicine has developed a more accurate formula to calculate a dog's age - it's based on the chemical changes in the DNA as organisms... Read more » - ● Homebase is selling a hot tub for half price - and it’s cheaper than B&Q and Aldi
To get Brits stoked for summer, Homebase has slashed its best-selling inflatable hot tub by half price... Read more » - ● One in five singletons admit to secretly taking a friend on a date with them
Over half of those who have done so have had their pal show up in secret at the location - and six in ten prefer the debrief with their mates more than the actual date... Read more » - ● Temperature trick is key to perfectly fried bacon, says chef who cooked for the Queen
Professional chef Jeff Baker has shared his tips for getting perfectly fried bacon every time - and they'll have you rustling up bacon sarnies that are fit for the Queen... Read more » - ● 'My neighbour is trying to dictate what I can do in my own house - because of her baby'
A woman has claimed she's having issues with her neighbours over noise, as they have a new baby and are attempting to dictate what she can and can't do in her own home... Read more » - “It’s probably just seasonal allergies,” says man who really wants to go to a concert this week
MONTREAL – “It must be seasonal allergies,” says 25-year-old Kyle Miller, as he blows his nose and coughs. Miller has never before had any seasonal allergies, but he does have tickets to a Vampire Weekend concert... Read more »Published: May 22, 2022 - 9:08 pm
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