FUNNY NEWS

GATH — As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn't help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.... Read more »

The man whose life inspired the film Sound Of Freedom about fighting child sex trafficking has reportedly stepped away from his watchdog organization after an internal investigation into sexual misconduct allegations brought by seven women. What... Read more »

NEW YORK—Alleging “massive systemic theft” of his original work, bestselling fantasy author George R.R. Martin filed a federal lawsuit against OpenAI this week after its artificial-intelligence interface ChatGPT mentioned incest. “I practically invented incest, and it... Read more »

WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying... Read more »

U.S. — Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that... Read more »

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MADABA, JORDAN — After receiving John the Baptist's head on a platter as requested, Herod's daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.... Read more »

While Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they... Read more »

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NEW YORK—Attributing the move to its need to address a long-standing safety concern, the NFL introduced a new helmet this week designed to protect players’ wives. “These new helmets are specially designed to withstand repeated blows... Read more »

SPOKANE, WA—No longer able to suppress their percolating irritation with the self-described “culinary prodigy,” local couple Kevin Cochran and Tina Hayes reportedly ended their mutual silent treatment Thursday to bond over their shared disdain for an... Read more »

BOSTON—Challenging the alleged benefits of the practice as touted in the press and by social media influencers, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Hematology concluded that drinking children’s blood is no more likely to... Read more »

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the field of geological research, scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Thursday they had discovered that the Earth’s core can play Blu-rays. “As... Read more »

A black bear was spotted in a tree near Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Walt Disney World, leading to a temporary shutdown until it could be captured and removed. What do you think?Read more...... Read more »

Test your knowledge of one of the highest-grossing singer-songwriters of all time by passing this quiz on Taylor Swift.Read more...... Read more »

BOCA CHICA, TX—Touting the device as the next step forward in primate mutilation, Elon Musk announced Thursday the first successful human trial of Neuralink’s brain detonator. “I am thrilled to announce that after exploding the heads... Read more »

"Someone call in and tell me who's a more vulgar radio personality. I'll wait!" Stern yelled. Click To Read Full Article... Read more »

MYERSTOWN, PA — Local teenager Natalie Bingham politely asked her mom and dad if they would consider ceasing to exist for a few hours while her friends come over.... Read more »

It's not easy being a dad. Exemplifying bravery, leadership, and wisdom while simultaneously consuming an entire pig's worth of bacon per day and explaining to your wife how every daily event relates to The Lord of... Read more »

KYIV — In a shocking move, Ukraine announced today that they have hired trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney as their official military spokesperson.... Read more »